The 5 Least Romantic Keys to a Happy Relationship
Sometimes in gritty cop dramas, there’s an officer who is too deep undercover in some criminal organization. His duplicities, loyalties, and moral code start to blur until there’s no way for him to ever get away without some kind of final showdown in which everyone ends up mistrusting one another and a lot of lives are destroyed.
That feels like a pretty apt analogy for doomed relationships.
Long after the love has faded, occasionally two people will begrudgingly stay together, both as a reciprocal punishment for perceived slights accrued over years, and because they’re privately afraid they won’t remember how to fall asleep without crying first. And even though they’re both praying the other will make some kind of irreparable move that will shatter the whole thing, they stay locked in a miserable embrace trying not to deal with the inevitable and hoping one of them lucks out and dies.
5. Spend Less Time Together
So it’s been a long week at work, both of you are stressed out and when you do see each other, you end up fighting like rabid monkeys. But now it’s the weekend! You can relax and spend your free time playing tennis (which he loves) and taking pictures of each other with ironic finger mustaches (which she loves). But you have to do these things together because you are a couple, dammit, and you love each other.
4. Sleep Apart
As anyone who’s ever watched a sitcom in the last 60 years knows, getting sent to the couch is a pretty obvious sign that someone in the relationship (the husband) has screwed up. In other words, in our minds, sleeping apart = unhappy relationship. So the idea of sleeping apart from your significant other, every night, on purpose, seems like a sure pit stop on the highway to Splitsville.
3.Marry an Ugly, Stupid Man
For the rest of us, everything from similar economic and religious backgrounds, to having the same friends, to both being the oldest sibling can contribute to a happy, long-term relationship. However, there seems to be two very big, very glaring exceptions. You want to hook up with someone who is both less smart and uglier than you …
2. Lie to Yourself
There comes a point where everyone meets a couple that are so mismatched you’d think surely one of the pair is under the witchcraft influence of the other. Either the guy is a Lyle and the gal is a Julia, or the guy is a brainiac and the gal is two houses shy of Stupidtown personified. Whatever the disconnect, the romance is baffling to everyone else in the room.
If there’s anything that soap operas (RIP All My Children) have taught us — besides the fact that there’s a 75 percent chance that everyone in the world has an evil twin somewhere — it’s that spontaneous sex is the true mark of a couple in love. If you’re a woman and you’re not grabbing your lover by the collar and thrusting him into the pantry to whet his penis whistle every now and then, you might as well divvy up the Blu-rays and call it a day.